Struggling
by PinkLemonade
Summary: Hazel and Gojyo have a little conversation that leads to a little more. GojyoHazel. Shounenai. Oneshot.


**Title**: Struggling

**Rated**: PG

**Warnings**: profanity, shounen-ai

**Summary**: Hazel and Gojyo have a little conversation that leads to a little more. Gojyo+Hazel.

**Note**: This was written for a friend of mine. She loves the Gojyo x Hazel pairing as do I, and showed me these lyrics that fit the two well. The title of this fic is the same as the title of the song.

**DISCLAIMER**: I own none of Saiyuki whatsoever! Kazuya Minekura and all the others do, not meeeee! Same goes for the song used to help write this story! NOT MIIIINE NONE OF IT URAGH.

---

Sanzo left long ago, too tired and in need of some privacy to stay out.

Hakkai soon followed his example and went inside for some tea.

Goku insisted on Gato teaching him how to block ambush attacks, dragging the stiff giant off.

So now.

Who was going to make the first move?

Gojyo wasn't tired. Wasn't cold. Didn't want to go inside. He'd rather stay here on the balcony, enjoy a smoke and watch the remaining light of the sunset fade behind the horizon.

On the other hand.

Hazel made no attempt to go inside either. Hazel wasn't tired. Wasn't cold. Didn't want to go inside. He'd rather enjoy the chilly wind and watch the last of the clouds sink off in the distance.

So now, the two were alone. No one was going to bother them.

Though to each other, they bothered one another alone.

"Naa," Gojyo muttered.

Hazel smiled. "No."

Gojyo frowned. So much for asking him if he'd go inside. Gojyo forced on a sweet, nectar filled grin and showed it to Hazel. "You might catch a cold," he stated. Ha. As if he cared. Let the bishop get a cold. Let him lay in bed for days, writhing, hacking, bitching and moaning ten times more than usual. Maybe then he and his buddies could leave without the leech on their back.

"I'm quite warm," Hazel assured. He tugged at his sleeve for emphasis.

Gojyo looked him over. Long sleeved cassock, boots, pants, undershirt, gloves, mitre--shit. Gojyo pouted, trying his best to hide it.

"Maybe you should go inside though," Hazel suggested. "You may catch a cold." He then chuckled softly to himself, as if amused by a joke he just told. Gojyo looked back at him from the corner of his eye.

"What's so funny?" the kappa asked, nearly demanded.

Hazel tucked down his hat, as if trying to hide his little quirky smile. As if it was offending the other. "I'm just thinking. Do youkai get colds easily? If so, how about half-breeds? Do they get them, at all? If they do, does it last very long?" he mused.

In the most tainted, sugar coated insulting way.

Gojyo furrowed his brows and glared ruby eyes. "What's it to you?"

"I'm just curious, is all," Hazel replied, "if half-breed's human genetics are dominate or repressive over their youkai bloodlines."

Gojyo wanted to snap that cigarette in half with his teeth. "Listen," he breathed. Oh, how he tried to maintain his fiery hot temper. "You go around, pretending you've been accepted by each and every one of us, like Sanzo is your best friend for life. You refuse to address Hakkai or Goku or even me by our names. And you ask all these stupid questions about half-breed children when you're around me."

Gojyo paused to laugh bitterly. "I know it's obvious I am what I am. There's no way hiding it, there's no way you can pretend you don't know. But sometimes, I think..." he paused. He took a drag of his cigarette. "... You're suspicious of something."

Hazel just laughed softly. "Suspicious of something? As to what? Of you... or your companions?" he asked, sweetly. Though the glint of light in his blue eyes suggested malice.

Gojyo frown tensed, like his jaw. Hazel always ruffled his feathers, made him uncomfortable, made his aura go into defense mode. Hazel pretended everything was all right with him and his corpse of a companion joining the Sanzo-ikkou. Acted as if there was no tension whatsoever. But it was times like these when Hazel showed his true colors. He spoke in a different, poisonous tongue when he was alone with Hakkai or Gojyo or even Goku.

Though Hazel's poison. It was very different from normal poison. It was like a Komodo Dragon's venom. That deadly bacteria, once in your veins, in your flesh, it worked slowly, very very slowly, until you were reduced to nothing but a sack of liquefied organs. And all the while, that dragon, Hazel, would smile as it waited for its meal to decay just perfectly for his liking.

"Precisely."

Hazel just laughed. "You're keen. To which do I owe compliments? The human or the monster?" he smirked.

Gojyo's cigarette twitched as the grasp on it tightened. "You know... you really enjoy fucking around with people's heads," he said, smile all teeth. He never was the type to beat around the bush.

"What a thing to say," Hazel sighed. "I'm just stating facts, asking simple questions. How do I insult when everything I say is just truth? You are a half-breed--and you're right. I refuse to play dumb when it comes to pretending you're not."

Gojyo turned and faced Hazel. So the man, the bishop, could see every feature of what made him taboo. The red, and the bitterness it brought. "You're pretty damn sure you got people all figured out, you know? Because I'm part human and part youkai, you think you know every aspect of my personality," he said, in a crystal clear voice.

"Come now. Even your genetics don't map your every feature on your flesh. Your veins that reach the surface don't tell me anything more than I would read from an average human, or monster," Hazel informed. He swished a hand at him. "However," he began, adjusting his hat. "I know inside of you there's a monster. No matter what, there's a threat in you. Rather you've got human DNA in your body, it does not matter."

"Here I thought all humans had there own little monster," Gojyo smirked. He poked at his head with a wry grin.

Hazel even laughed. "True. We all have monsters. Some we create, some caused by others, some induced by the past..." he paused. "Some we run from, some we embrace. However, those are all just dysfunction's of a human mind, post traumatic syndrome, brain damage or not. You, however..." One of Hazel's aqua eyes narrowed up at Gojyo from beneath the low hanging brim of his hat. "... Have a ireal/i monster in you. It goes beyond greed, abuse, imbalanced chemicals. It craves human flesh, the smell of blood--long talons, cloudy red eyes, foaming mouth. Your monster, iSha-han/i, is ireal/i."

The faint echo of thunder could be heard from overhead. At the same time, it gagged the sound of a quiet thud of weight against wall. Hazel was not surprised when Gojyo suddenly pinned his back to the wall. Infact, he wore a smile just for the occasion. Gojyo looked absolutely enraged, homicidal and bitter. He could feel his chest tighten and his heart beat increase.

Hazel looked over those glowing eyes, those grit teeth, the tightly clutched fist holding the collar of his robe and mitre, and the threat his aura released. "Point made," was all he said. Obviously, fear of being shoved into a wall by a possible life threatening creature had long since worn off on him.

Gojyo pulled Hazel closer, until their faces were inches apart. Nose nearly touched nose. "You think you know every fucking thing about me. Right down from my DNA to my hobbies," he snarled. "But you know nothing about me! Absolutely jack shit about me."

"You're frothing," Hazel chuckled. His eyes matched an equal intensity to Gojyo's. Except his was a defensive warning. Try anything, and he wouldn't regret hurting him.

"Listen, you little fairy," Gojyo snapped. He jerked Hazel forward by the grasp he held, then back into the wall. It got a little grunt from the smaller, frail man. "Don't act like because I'm some half-breed, you can break and tame me. You have no idea who I am--you never will. So stop acting like I popped out of your nonexistent womb," he growled. He pushed Hazel into the wall just a tiny bit harder, then let him go.

Hazel slouched for a moment, before standing straight and fixing his cassock and mitre. "My dear friend, I never did state I knew everything about you. I just know a monster when I see one. Even half of one," he explained. As if he said nothing offensive at all.

Gojyo picked up his cigarette. Gave it one last drag, then crushed it beneath the heel of his shoe. "You think too highly of yourself, bishop," he stated. "You got this holier than thou's ass presence among you. It's sickening."

Hazel humored him and rose a brow.

"You think just because you've paraded around India and God knows where you came from killing hundreds of youkai--excuse me, monsters--you know how each and every one of their clocks tick. How prudent of you," Gojyo sighed, shaking his head.

"You're suggesting...?"

"You're just as dumb as we all our," Gojyo answered, pointedly. "There's nothing special about you. Without that jewelry on your neck, you're just an ordinary human."

"I never prided myself as anything but," Hazel corrected.

"Really?" Gojyo asked. He quirked a brow now. "Because I could have mistaken you for someone flouncing about as the prodigy prophet of God."

"Hardly," Hazel replied. "I am merely doing His will--"

"Cut the bullshit," Gojyo snapped. Hazel blinked at him. "Don't pretend like this isn't for your own revenge. You're just another insecure little human who happens to have some magical ability, not entirely of your own, and uses God as your stupid shield. You're just a human, that's all I see. A weak, pathetic human."

Hazel wanted to say something. "Point taken," he retorted. Gojyo saw him as just another simple human being. Hazel just saw Gojyo as another disgusting half-breed.

Of course, they were each so much more than the skin and blood they bore and wore.

"What? No elaborate whiny comeback?" Gojyo sneered.

"Mmn. Give me time to think of one." Hazel grinned, nicely.

Gojyo couldn't help but laugh. Though only half of it was bitter. "Your grin pisses me off," he said. "Hakkai--he grins a lot. Nonstop. He used to smile a lot when I first met him. I knew it was 'cause he didn't want to show his pain. Though it made me mad," he grumbled, smiling weakly.

"That he does not loudly cry and whine about his problems like you do?" Hazel asked.

Gojyo glared over at him, then slowly smiled again. "Yeah..." he sighed. "I kinda wished he did. I kinda wanted to help him out more. He always told me I had done enough. But I never thought I did enough. I'd get mad 'cause sometimes his fake little grin would make me mad and I'd be mad at him and he'd feel even worse."

"Selfish, ne," Hazel teased.

"Point is," Gojyo mumbled. He turned and rested his back into the balcony. Hanging his head back, he continued, "Your smile is the only thing that reminds me of Hakkai. You both are those selfless types who like to just keep it all in. Except Hakkai--well, he doesn't go killing youkai to feel better."

"I smile because I want to," Hazel replied. The enemy need not know his weaknesses, even if the enemy was his friend.

"Yeah, right," Gojyo spat. "Just get off yer high horse and admit you're a miserable pile of crap and that's why you're killing off all the youkai you come in contact with," he grunted, sounding annoyed.

"Harsh," Hazel purred. "But I have not killed off every youkai I've come in contact with."

"... Yet," Gojyo finished for him.

"Hidoi." A chuckle.

Hazel flinched. His natural instinct told him to kick, punch, or move away. But somehow, he felt frozen in place. Gojyo gently squeezed his chin and held him still. He had a stern look on his face as he moved it closer towards Hazel's. Hazel just stared at him, right in the eyes. For a moment, that's all they did. Look each other directly in the eyes.

"Man, you truly are hard to read," Gojyo whined. "There's so much crap going on behind those blue things that I can't tell what is what."

Hazel smiled. He felt slightly complimented. "I apologize."

"Though, I can tell that you ain't as relaxed and comfortable as you come off as. There's lots of lying in there," Gojyo informed, squinting ruby eyes.

Hazel just laughed. "And you would kn--"

Again, natural instinct to hurt or maim. When Gojyo kissed him, Hazel felt like his world was flipped upside down. So bad, he felt like he had to reprogram his entire body. Gojyo's eyes never closed as his mouth touched his. One last look around in those bright blue eyes, then he shut his own and pulled Hazel close. Hazel's body went stiff, but he didn't move away, nor did he reciprocate.

Gojyo then pulled back, only an inch. He smirked hot air on Hazel's quivering lips. "I see now..." he breathed. "I can see now..."

Hazel didn't bother to ask him what he meant. He just let Gojyo release him and return to gazing out at the now dark night sky. Hazel rested his back to the wall and took in a deep breath. He composed himself, pretended like nothing happened... and smiled.

"I always thought you were the slowest of your companions," Hazel thought outloud with a chuckle.

Gojyo would have collapsed then. "What the Hell? If anything, Goku is the most stupid!" he snarled.

"I wouldn't know, I usually block him out," Hazel chuckled. He walked up to the balcony and stood beside Gojyo.

And, like in the beginning, the two just stood there, quietly enjoying the view. This time, the tension was low. For a little while, perhaps, it would be like that.

Until their fingers stopped touching one another, at least.

THE END

Different from my normal songfics, as the lyrics are mixed with the story. Some songfics just follow the theme IN the story. However, in that tradition, here are the song lyrics so you can see the backbone I followed:

"Struggling" by The Hippos:

"You think you know who I am but you don't know who I am

you think that you're so smart you're just as dumb as I am

so don't try to hide what's behind those eyes

behind that smile and those big blue eyes

I can see right through your lies

I see you at the beach you're lying in the sand

you seem so hard to reach

you're trying as hard as you can so don't try to hide what's behind those eyes

behind that smile and those big blue eyes

I can see right through your lies

you're struggling..."

Of course the entire "beach" bit was not included. X

Could have been more... physical... as planned. But I saved it for another story, too mature for alas.

Reviews and C&C are yay! Flames, while boooo, are to be sent to CrowTChickATaolDOTcom!


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